Well.... today was.... interesting.... I only made it one of four interval cycles, and the speeds were a bit slower than program outlines, but I made the attempt, at least. The most important thing I learned from today: Do my elipitical machine AFTER I jog. I believe that might have been my fatal error. I'm seriously considering just reserving the elipitical for the days I don't jog, since my bit of paper recommends not doing the program everyday, rather, three days a week spaced out. I'll get the bugs ironed out. I adamently refuse to let this one bad go scare me off of giving this an honest attempt.
This is my rationale: If, on the elipitical, I can "run" a mile in a quarter in 10 minutes, I am perfectly capable of making the transition to the treadmill. I recognize there are vast differences between the two machines, but with this walk four minutes/run one, I should be able to make the switch.
So, just so I can see it in words in front of me, this means that my week at the gym should look like three days of jogging intervals interspersed with three days of my weight circuit and the elipitical. Sounds good to me. Its really not all that different from what I was already doing, I'm actually just trading in the stationary bike for a treadmill. The bike killed my knees!
In other jiggley news, I booked my next weigh and measure in with my trainer at the gym for next Tuesday! Now I'll get to see if my scale is lying to me, or if I really have lost weight this month!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Fat Little Girl
The fat little girl is what I have started calling the "I don't care" mode I sometimes fall into. I'll be following a plan, and seeing some success with it and I just start sabotaging myself for no apparent reason. Its almost like I'm scared of achieving my goals. Stupid, I know, but I don't know why it happens. I guess the fat little girl in me is selfish, lazy and comfortable and wants to stay that way.
I bring this up because the fat little girl went into attack mode this past week. I'd been doing really well at the gym and gotten a little cocky because I wasn't really following a strict diet, or any sort of eating plan at all, really, and I had managed to drop eight pounds. So I just started plowing my way through whatever junk I could get my grubby little hands on. So of course I hop on the scale this morning and its telling me that all eight pounds are back. She also talked me out of going to the gym now, which I'm really regretting since I won't be able to go tomorrow, and probably Friday, as well. I also didn't push myself quite to where I wanted at the gym today. But I went, so I'll give myself that.
The strange thing about sabotaging myself, is I really enjoy eating healthy. When I'm really on a roll, I don't even crave the bad stuff. I keep my sugar levels balanced with fruit and carbs, so I don't have crashes that make me run to the fridge for junk, and I have tons of energy. I sleep better, and just in general feel better. When I'm dumping the junk in my system, I really can feel the difference. I'm sluggish and sleepy. I get headaches from sudden drops in my blood sugar. My tummy gets upset, and on and on.
So I'm definitely going to buckle back down on myself. I'm not going to be a zealot or anything like that, but I've got to stop letting the fat little girl win arguments, otherwise all the ass kicking I do to myself in the gym isn't going to make the slightest bit of difference. Besides, I'm really proud of myself when I accomplish my day to day objectives, which keeps me in plesant moods and makes it much nicer for Grady to be around me! And everyone else!
I bring this up because the fat little girl went into attack mode this past week. I'd been doing really well at the gym and gotten a little cocky because I wasn't really following a strict diet, or any sort of eating plan at all, really, and I had managed to drop eight pounds. So I just started plowing my way through whatever junk I could get my grubby little hands on. So of course I hop on the scale this morning and its telling me that all eight pounds are back. She also talked me out of going to the gym now, which I'm really regretting since I won't be able to go tomorrow, and probably Friday, as well. I also didn't push myself quite to where I wanted at the gym today. But I went, so I'll give myself that.
The strange thing about sabotaging myself, is I really enjoy eating healthy. When I'm really on a roll, I don't even crave the bad stuff. I keep my sugar levels balanced with fruit and carbs, so I don't have crashes that make me run to the fridge for junk, and I have tons of energy. I sleep better, and just in general feel better. When I'm dumping the junk in my system, I really can feel the difference. I'm sluggish and sleepy. I get headaches from sudden drops in my blood sugar. My tummy gets upset, and on and on.
So I'm definitely going to buckle back down on myself. I'm not going to be a zealot or anything like that, but I've got to stop letting the fat little girl win arguments, otherwise all the ass kicking I do to myself in the gym isn't going to make the slightest bit of difference. Besides, I'm really proud of myself when I accomplish my day to day objectives, which keeps me in plesant moods and makes it much nicer for Grady to be around me! And everyone else!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Life, the Universe, and Everything
I haven't written in a while, which is a bad habit that tends to happen with journal type things that I start. I've never been able to keep one. I get wrapped up in life and just let it fall to the back of the to do pile, and before I know it, I've forgotten about it!
In some ways there's been a lot going on, and in others, nothing much at all.
I still haven't managed to find a job, even a cruddy retail job. So I'm still sitting around at home on my duff not accomplishing much. Lots of daytime TV watching and video game playing. Oh yeah, and cooking and cleaning. *YAWN* I know.
I've fallen away from FitDay a bit. FitDay is a website that I was using to keep track of calories and exercise to help me faciliate my weight loss. I was doing ok with. My favorite part of it was balancing my daily nutritional needs and seeing solely with food that it is possible to feed your body everything it needs and not have to have vitamins or supplements. I've really discovered a passion for doing things naturally. I've never been much of a pill taker, I just didn't think about it. But it makes me happy to know that I HAVE to have them. I've been thinking a lot about going back to school, maybe getting a new degree, and being a nutritionist is definitely something I've started looking into.
I deviate. I kind of fell out of the habit of FitDay when I was having so many problems finding exercise I could do at home that didn't piss off the gimpy ankle, espcecially in February when there was constantly snow on the ground. So I completely lost my momentum. I stopped posting on the forums and tracking my foods. Needless to say I not only gained back the four or five pounds that I had managed to lose, but I'd also hit an all time high in my weight. I'll discuss that in a few. I feel kind of guilty about just abandoning the whole thing, and I really need to get back into it so I can make sure that I'm covering my needs and not going hog wild on the calories.
My biggest thing is that I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I don't want to spend my entire life obsessing about what goes in my mouth. I think that's part of why I've taken a hiatus from FitDay. I felt like I was getting fanatical about it. I don't want to micromanage myself to the extent that I was getting. Its one thing to be conscience about what you're putting into yourself, its entirely another to plan my day down to the last little calorie and not have any flexibility. Life is about give and take. Balance. And I felt the OCD meter going way over into the deep end.
I think my most exciting devolpment is my mom's gift to me of spotting me the monthly fee for a gym until I'm working again. This happened two weeks ago. There's a very small chain (as in two locations) called Victory Lady Fitness here in Richmond. Its nice because its women only, and I'm totally not the fattest person there, so its very unintimidating to be there. And its quickly becomming my home away from home. I spend anywhere from one to two hours a day there. One of the other completely awesome things about this gym is they have trainers there that you can utilize at any time free of cost. In fact, your first couple of weeks you meet with your trainer about three times. And I love the girl they put me with. Her name is Caitlin and she's a few years younger than I am, but we hit it off right off the bat. I could totally be friends with her in the "real world". And she's never made me feel akward about my size and just exudes complete confidence that I can do anything in there. Even when I had to get on the scale- *EEK!!!* Which brings me to the point of my being at an all time high in weight. 348!!! Holy shit, how did that happen???? I don't feel that big. I don't feel like I look that big. I watch this show called Ruby sometimes, and she weighs 318 now, and she looks much much bigger than me. Its a strange feeling. Knowing I weight a number that huge. But I've really been giving it my all at the gym. And I LOVE it!! I guess I just had to get to the right place in my life. My parents couldn't force me to work out, no matter how many articles they shoved down my throat about the years I was shaving off my life being fat. I couldn't make myself eat right and work out, no matter how sick of being the fat girl I was. I had to be ready.
Now, I don't know how off my scale is from the one at the gym, but I got on mine this morning when I got back from exercising, and its down eight pounds- it says 340! That's so exciting. Once a month Caitlin will weigh me, and their scale does body fat, too, and measure me. I'm more exicted to see the body fat and inches numbers come down. I do a weight routine every other day, so I know my weight number will be a little funky for a bit because I'll be building muscle, but the measurements and my clothes will not lie!!
A cardio only day for me starts with a five minute walk on the treadmill to warm up, then stretching. Then I tackle the elipitical, which is good for me, because right now the gimpy foot can't take the impact of running on a treadmill right now. My secret goal is to one day be a runner. I think one of the biggest accomplishments I can have for myself is to one day get on that treadmill and run a mile without slowing down or stopping. Anyway. That elipitical is my nemesis. I could do about two minutes on it last week. I've been slowly increasing that number every three or four days, and today I hit five minutes!! And the thing told me that I went a half mile in that five minutes. That means I can run a half mile in five minutes- sweet! I know it would be harder on a treadmill, but I'll take that victory! Once I do my time on the elipitical I move over to the exercise bike for 25 minutes, giving me a full half hour of intense cardio. And I kick my own ass on that bike. It is the most under estimated piece of equipment in that place. I get an awesome workout on that thing! And on my weight days I have a weight circuit that I do in between stretching and cardio. Once I finish up I go back and do a second round of stretching.
I am just adoring every bit of my time at the gym. I get competetive with myself and try and up the ante, and I really feel like I'm accomplishing something everyday. Something I haven't felt in a while. I haven't been buckling down on my eating quite yet, but at the same time, the biggest thing I would really need to change is portion size at dinner. I'm hungry all the time now, I guess my body is adjusting to the new influx of exercise, so I kind of just eat when I'm hungry at this point. But never fear! Most of my daytime eating revolves around fruit, veg, yogurt and very healthy cereal.
I feel like until I have a job, my job is to take care of myself, and I want to do that job to the best of my ability!
In some ways there's been a lot going on, and in others, nothing much at all.
I still haven't managed to find a job, even a cruddy retail job. So I'm still sitting around at home on my duff not accomplishing much. Lots of daytime TV watching and video game playing. Oh yeah, and cooking and cleaning. *YAWN* I know.
I've fallen away from FitDay a bit. FitDay is a website that I was using to keep track of calories and exercise to help me faciliate my weight loss. I was doing ok with. My favorite part of it was balancing my daily nutritional needs and seeing solely with food that it is possible to feed your body everything it needs and not have to have vitamins or supplements. I've really discovered a passion for doing things naturally. I've never been much of a pill taker, I just didn't think about it. But it makes me happy to know that I HAVE to have them. I've been thinking a lot about going back to school, maybe getting a new degree, and being a nutritionist is definitely something I've started looking into.
I deviate. I kind of fell out of the habit of FitDay when I was having so many problems finding exercise I could do at home that didn't piss off the gimpy ankle, espcecially in February when there was constantly snow on the ground. So I completely lost my momentum. I stopped posting on the forums and tracking my foods. Needless to say I not only gained back the four or five pounds that I had managed to lose, but I'd also hit an all time high in my weight. I'll discuss that in a few. I feel kind of guilty about just abandoning the whole thing, and I really need to get back into it so I can make sure that I'm covering my needs and not going hog wild on the calories.
My biggest thing is that I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I don't want to spend my entire life obsessing about what goes in my mouth. I think that's part of why I've taken a hiatus from FitDay. I felt like I was getting fanatical about it. I don't want to micromanage myself to the extent that I was getting. Its one thing to be conscience about what you're putting into yourself, its entirely another to plan my day down to the last little calorie and not have any flexibility. Life is about give and take. Balance. And I felt the OCD meter going way over into the deep end.
I think my most exciting devolpment is my mom's gift to me of spotting me the monthly fee for a gym until I'm working again. This happened two weeks ago. There's a very small chain (as in two locations) called Victory Lady Fitness here in Richmond. Its nice because its women only, and I'm totally not the fattest person there, so its very unintimidating to be there. And its quickly becomming my home away from home. I spend anywhere from one to two hours a day there. One of the other completely awesome things about this gym is they have trainers there that you can utilize at any time free of cost. In fact, your first couple of weeks you meet with your trainer about three times. And I love the girl they put me with. Her name is Caitlin and she's a few years younger than I am, but we hit it off right off the bat. I could totally be friends with her in the "real world". And she's never made me feel akward about my size and just exudes complete confidence that I can do anything in there. Even when I had to get on the scale- *EEK!!!* Which brings me to the point of my being at an all time high in weight. 348!!! Holy shit, how did that happen???? I don't feel that big. I don't feel like I look that big. I watch this show called Ruby sometimes, and she weighs 318 now, and she looks much much bigger than me. Its a strange feeling. Knowing I weight a number that huge. But I've really been giving it my all at the gym. And I LOVE it!! I guess I just had to get to the right place in my life. My parents couldn't force me to work out, no matter how many articles they shoved down my throat about the years I was shaving off my life being fat. I couldn't make myself eat right and work out, no matter how sick of being the fat girl I was. I had to be ready.
Now, I don't know how off my scale is from the one at the gym, but I got on mine this morning when I got back from exercising, and its down eight pounds- it says 340! That's so exciting. Once a month Caitlin will weigh me, and their scale does body fat, too, and measure me. I'm more exicted to see the body fat and inches numbers come down. I do a weight routine every other day, so I know my weight number will be a little funky for a bit because I'll be building muscle, but the measurements and my clothes will not lie!!
A cardio only day for me starts with a five minute walk on the treadmill to warm up, then stretching. Then I tackle the elipitical, which is good for me, because right now the gimpy foot can't take the impact of running on a treadmill right now. My secret goal is to one day be a runner. I think one of the biggest accomplishments I can have for myself is to one day get on that treadmill and run a mile without slowing down or stopping. Anyway. That elipitical is my nemesis. I could do about two minutes on it last week. I've been slowly increasing that number every three or four days, and today I hit five minutes!! And the thing told me that I went a half mile in that five minutes. That means I can run a half mile in five minutes- sweet! I know it would be harder on a treadmill, but I'll take that victory! Once I do my time on the elipitical I move over to the exercise bike for 25 minutes, giving me a full half hour of intense cardio. And I kick my own ass on that bike. It is the most under estimated piece of equipment in that place. I get an awesome workout on that thing! And on my weight days I have a weight circuit that I do in between stretching and cardio. Once I finish up I go back and do a second round of stretching.
I am just adoring every bit of my time at the gym. I get competetive with myself and try and up the ante, and I really feel like I'm accomplishing something everyday. Something I haven't felt in a while. I haven't been buckling down on my eating quite yet, but at the same time, the biggest thing I would really need to change is portion size at dinner. I'm hungry all the time now, I guess my body is adjusting to the new influx of exercise, so I kind of just eat when I'm hungry at this point. But never fear! Most of my daytime eating revolves around fruit, veg, yogurt and very healthy cereal.
I feel like until I have a job, my job is to take care of myself, and I want to do that job to the best of my ability!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hope
So its basically been a month since I started on two sepatate ventures in my life. I signed up with a new temp agency, and I started changing my eating habits. I'd like to say there's been progress on both, but so far the best I can report is a little with one, and a possible maybe with the other.
First of all, the temp agency. This is the possible maybe. I talked to my rep today, there's been a big holdup with the background checking people, but she did report there were a couple of assignments that she'd like to try and get me on that start next week. Let's hope that appeases boyfriend tonight. We had a little bit of a blowout Saturday night about my lack of employment. He's right in some things, he really doesn't care what I'm doing, to him its a forgien concept to not have some source of income. So he's just pushing me to find something, anything. And I appreciate that money's getting tight. I'm not just sitting here thinking everything's roses and like I'm getting away with not having a job. Quite the contrary, I'm so stressed out its affecting everything, my sleep, certain schedules in my body, my level of bitchiness, my self esteem. Everything. What I can't make him understand is just how desperately I do not want to go back to retail. I don't look down on the profession, I'm not someone who thinks that if you're jockeying a cash register as an adult you're not trying hard enough. Its just not for me. I hate the hours, not having weekends, and in some cases holidays. The pay is shitty, the majority of customers even shittier. And my body simply can't handle it like it used to. It aggrevates my mystery ailment to the point where even after I get off my feet I'm still in agony. So I'm trying to avoid it like the plague itself. I have to call my rep first thing tomorrow and see what she's got for me. So that's my first hope, that she has some good news for me. If not, I guess here I come worst nightmare. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm getting ready to go to jail when I think about that possibility looming over my head. I'm just trying to stay positive and believe its all going to work out tomorrow. We're going to hope that if I believe hard enough all those positive vibes will affect the situation. My string of bad karma's got to end at some point, right?
My "diet" is the small changes part. I don't have my updated numbers, since tomorrow is measurement day. I don't really own a working scale, so I don't know how much weight I've lost. Last time I checked at a friend's house, it was about five pounds. So I measure myself every Tuesday, and I have the numerical evidence that I am losing some weight, even if the changes aren't obvious yet. I fill my tummy with lots of fresh fruits and veggies every day, and I'm trying to get better about exercise. My exercise today is running up and down three flights of stairs doing laundry! But I've seen anywhere from half an inch to and inch and a half come off of various parts of my body. With not double checking behind myself, I think the total to date is six or six and half inches. The hardest part is weekends, when we have no schedule, and the second is dinner. I try to make dinner as healthy as possible while still making something my very skinny boyfriend will enjoy. Most of the time that entails portion control on my part, adding veggies for myself separately that he won't eat and making him butter his veggies while I leave my plain. My two biggest guiding principles right now are calorie restriction and eating nutritionally balanced every day. I have found that I am quite capable of getting almost everything I need on a daily basis from my foods alone. And I'm excited to start working again so we can go to nicer grocery stores with have a much better selection of organic things.
I believe in making everything myself, and not relying on prepackaged diet foods. Sugar substitues are a thing of my past, and its not that whole "it causes cancer" crap that's been around for years now, its just learning what really does need sugar and what doesn't. The most valid thing I've read about sugar substitutes is that they can actually set you up for failure because they can potentially cause you to have a massive craving for the real thing, which leads to a binge. I have some concerns about diabetes, since it runs so rampantly, so I think I'll stick with the natural, complex sugars in fruit and fulfill my sweet needs that way. I'm surprised at how much of a happy camper I really am with all this change, and ninety percent of the time I don't feel like I'm being deprived of anything. Its nice. That would make my second hope that I'm strong enough to continue along this path to being a healthier person.
I will admit that I do very often right now feel overwhelmed and kind of depressed right now, mainly attributed to my job situation, but I battle everyday to face my life with hope and positive attitudes. I'm not overly successful with that, but I try, and to me its better than just flat out giving in. I'm going to be a fighter with both gaining employment and losing weight. I don't want to just have big pretty statements, I want to make those statements a reality. Between the desire to make my situation better, action, and positive thinking, I should be able to accomplish these things. Or at least in the case of a job, do everything in my power to accomplish it, unfortunately, I can't really completely control that situation. And oh yes, there will be updates, so stay tuned!
First of all, the temp agency. This is the possible maybe. I talked to my rep today, there's been a big holdup with the background checking people, but she did report there were a couple of assignments that she'd like to try and get me on that start next week. Let's hope that appeases boyfriend tonight. We had a little bit of a blowout Saturday night about my lack of employment. He's right in some things, he really doesn't care what I'm doing, to him its a forgien concept to not have some source of income. So he's just pushing me to find something, anything. And I appreciate that money's getting tight. I'm not just sitting here thinking everything's roses and like I'm getting away with not having a job. Quite the contrary, I'm so stressed out its affecting everything, my sleep, certain schedules in my body, my level of bitchiness, my self esteem. Everything. What I can't make him understand is just how desperately I do not want to go back to retail. I don't look down on the profession, I'm not someone who thinks that if you're jockeying a cash register as an adult you're not trying hard enough. Its just not for me. I hate the hours, not having weekends, and in some cases holidays. The pay is shitty, the majority of customers even shittier. And my body simply can't handle it like it used to. It aggrevates my mystery ailment to the point where even after I get off my feet I'm still in agony. So I'm trying to avoid it like the plague itself. I have to call my rep first thing tomorrow and see what she's got for me. So that's my first hope, that she has some good news for me. If not, I guess here I come worst nightmare. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm getting ready to go to jail when I think about that possibility looming over my head. I'm just trying to stay positive and believe its all going to work out tomorrow. We're going to hope that if I believe hard enough all those positive vibes will affect the situation. My string of bad karma's got to end at some point, right?
My "diet" is the small changes part. I don't have my updated numbers, since tomorrow is measurement day. I don't really own a working scale, so I don't know how much weight I've lost. Last time I checked at a friend's house, it was about five pounds. So I measure myself every Tuesday, and I have the numerical evidence that I am losing some weight, even if the changes aren't obvious yet. I fill my tummy with lots of fresh fruits and veggies every day, and I'm trying to get better about exercise. My exercise today is running up and down three flights of stairs doing laundry! But I've seen anywhere from half an inch to and inch and a half come off of various parts of my body. With not double checking behind myself, I think the total to date is six or six and half inches. The hardest part is weekends, when we have no schedule, and the second is dinner. I try to make dinner as healthy as possible while still making something my very skinny boyfriend will enjoy. Most of the time that entails portion control on my part, adding veggies for myself separately that he won't eat and making him butter his veggies while I leave my plain. My two biggest guiding principles right now are calorie restriction and eating nutritionally balanced every day. I have found that I am quite capable of getting almost everything I need on a daily basis from my foods alone. And I'm excited to start working again so we can go to nicer grocery stores with have a much better selection of organic things.
I believe in making everything myself, and not relying on prepackaged diet foods. Sugar substitues are a thing of my past, and its not that whole "it causes cancer" crap that's been around for years now, its just learning what really does need sugar and what doesn't. The most valid thing I've read about sugar substitutes is that they can actually set you up for failure because they can potentially cause you to have a massive craving for the real thing, which leads to a binge. I have some concerns about diabetes, since it runs so rampantly, so I think I'll stick with the natural, complex sugars in fruit and fulfill my sweet needs that way. I'm surprised at how much of a happy camper I really am with all this change, and ninety percent of the time I don't feel like I'm being deprived of anything. Its nice. That would make my second hope that I'm strong enough to continue along this path to being a healthier person.
I will admit that I do very often right now feel overwhelmed and kind of depressed right now, mainly attributed to my job situation, but I battle everyday to face my life with hope and positive attitudes. I'm not overly successful with that, but I try, and to me its better than just flat out giving in. I'm going to be a fighter with both gaining employment and losing weight. I don't want to just have big pretty statements, I want to make those statements a reality. Between the desire to make my situation better, action, and positive thinking, I should be able to accomplish these things. Or at least in the case of a job, do everything in my power to accomplish it, unfortunately, I can't really completely control that situation. And oh yes, there will be updates, so stay tuned!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Dreams and Goals
I know this is the time of year that everyone starts setting resolutions for themselves for the coming year. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. I believe in setting small, achievable goals for yourself that get you to your dreams, whether it takes one year or one hundred. I'm just horrible at follow through. Being unemployed and without the ability to drive for the past three months has given me a lot of time to think. And to wallow in self-pity at times. I really do want to start changing some things in my life, though. I know it sounds horribly cliqued, but having exhausted all of my regular weekly on demand shows, I noticed they had stopped charging for The Biggest Loser episodes. I've always liked catching the marathons and watching people literally save their own lives. I do get annoyed when they start crying or saying they're going to quit. I just want to look and them and shout, "YOU choose to do this, YOU signed up for this ride and YOU knew what you were getting yourself into, so suck it up and get over it or leave!" I know its hard, and I know everyone has bad days, but I know that if I got an opportunity to be on the show, I would literally and metaphorically work my ass off. Pain I can deal with. After two surgeries on my leg, a steel plate and pins added, one pin removed and dealing with arthritis in my ankle at 29, I can deal. There's a part of me that wants to go running to the website and apply, but I don't know that I'm willing to leave my life for three months anymore. Two years ago, sure. Two years ago I was trying to go teach English in Japan, but now I'm not so sure. Which leads me to my first set of goals and dreams.
I want to lose weight, and be nicer to my body. I've already made the promise to myself that when I get a job, I'm signing up at a gym here, and I will use that membership. If the one I'm going to sign up at has any kind of an ad or friend finder board, the first thing I'm going to do is post that I need a workout buddy. We don't have to work out every single time together, but I need someone who also wants someone there to make them accountable. From infomation from their website they seem to have a pretty good support system in place. Granting that I didn't overlook any small print, you have free access to personal trainers, and while they're not open 24 hours a day, they are open seven days a week. This isn't one of those, "oh, bikini season is coming up, I need to tighten my abs!" kind of things. I haven't jumped on the scale lately, but I need to lose anywhere from 150-180 pounds. Its so scary and daunting, but I need to do this for me. I need to love myself enough to carry through with it as well. I've gotten so used to being taken as a joke, that I think I've started to look at myself as a bit of a joke, as well. Its not to the life or death point yet, as slovenly as I've let myself get, I'm not completly out of shape. I used to walk up to three miles a day to get to one of my old jobs. So I know I'm capable.
As much as I'd like to deny it, I guess I do have some daddy issues. My father always drilled into me that I come last, I have to take care of my mom, my brother, my grandma, those less fortunate, before I can think of myself. Anytime I talked about wanting something more than what I had for myself, I was told I was being selfish. And for someone who doesn't really want kids, I have a pretty strong "maternal" instinct. I want to take care of and be there for those I love. So I have to start making some changes in my life, or I might not be there to take care of folks. I've put myself last for so long, and I need to be selfish for a litte bit.
Not that I believe for a second that he actually feels this way, but on the shallow side, I'd like to be someone my boyfriend is proud to have walking beside him. I want my "in-laws" to be proud to have me in their life. I want my parents to be proud of me. Most of all, I want me to be proud of me. I don't want to be that sad fat girl that everyone sniggers at walking down the street anymore. I know that losing weight will not solve all of my problems, but I feel like if I can finally make an honest commitment to myself and stick with it, it will show me that I am more capable than I give myself credit for. I have short-sold myself for far too long, and its time to stop underestimating myself and prove to myself just how much I have to offer.
My second goal is to get my book edited, finalized, and out there for people to potentially buy. I don't need to be the next J.K. Rowlings, but one of my biggest dreams for a long time is to be a successful, published author. I started- and completed!- the first step by resolving to participate and win this year's NaNoWriMo contest. The deal is, starting November 1 you start writing a new, original novel. You can have an outline, storyline, brainstorming, characterizations, etc. drawn up before then, but you can't actually start writing until the first. The goal is to write 50,000 words by midnight on the 30th. You don't have to finish the novel, but to win you have to hit that mark. Well, I won. I finished my novel at something like quarter to five in the morning of the 29th. I was seriously behind for a while because I didn't actually start writing until the ninth. I not only hit my word count, but finished the first draft of the novel. I finished the challenge with a total of 52 thousand and some change words. And for finishing I got the best prize I think they could have bestowed to any of us. A free proof copy of the novel from Amazon and CreateSpace. You have until June or July to make use of the offer, which gives you a chance to clean it up and have it finalized before you redeem it. They'll send you a proof copy of your book in paperback form. Through CreateSpace you also have to opportunity to allow Amazon to sell your book. They'll put it out there so when someone searches for books in that genere or topic, yours will show up. Not a bad start to a get a writing career kicked off. So now I have to commit to myself to edit the book and get it ready to be published. Finishing my novel was the proudest day of my life. Even more so than graduating college. I graduated college for my family. I was the first one to either go or graduate, so I felt I had to finish for them. This is for me. This is my dream, and even if it never sells any more copies than the ones I'm going to buy for my parents, I don't care. Its my book, and knowing that I have actually written more opens the door for me to write another one. And you only get better with practice.
My last goal is a much more boring and serious one. And that is to get my credit cleaned up. I bruised it up pretty bad in college, so as soon as I have some gainful employment, I will be setting aside as much of every paycheck as I can, and when I've accumulated enough to pay something completely off, it will be done. I think about going shopping, updating my wardrobe (which really is pretty shabby at this point), catching up on book series I'm behind, getting a massage (I've never had one, and with all the stress of the past year, I could use one!), or the myriad other things I'd LIKE to do with my money, I NEED to get myself financially solid again. Grady and I want to buy a house. We want to go on vacation. His car is ten years old, at some point he's going to need a new one. So I am promising to myself, one bad debt at a time, to get myself back on the right track. It will suck not having new toys or clothes for a while, but the stress of that burden, and how it will feel to have it lifted, that will make it worth it.
I have three, what feel like lofty, goals to accomplish. They won't happen in the next year, well, the book will, but the other two are going to take dedication, work and perserverance, and I think by going through this process I will find myself, and my self worth again. There is nothing wrong in my life that I can't fix. Except for the job, I can't force someone to hire me, but I trust one will come. I have the power and the right to make my own little world a better place for me to be, and in return, it will allow me to take care of everyone else better. So here's to new life resolutions, and taking back the power to make them happen. Cheers!
I want to lose weight, and be nicer to my body. I've already made the promise to myself that when I get a job, I'm signing up at a gym here, and I will use that membership. If the one I'm going to sign up at has any kind of an ad or friend finder board, the first thing I'm going to do is post that I need a workout buddy. We don't have to work out every single time together, but I need someone who also wants someone there to make them accountable. From infomation from their website they seem to have a pretty good support system in place. Granting that I didn't overlook any small print, you have free access to personal trainers, and while they're not open 24 hours a day, they are open seven days a week. This isn't one of those, "oh, bikini season is coming up, I need to tighten my abs!" kind of things. I haven't jumped on the scale lately, but I need to lose anywhere from 150-180 pounds. Its so scary and daunting, but I need to do this for me. I need to love myself enough to carry through with it as well. I've gotten so used to being taken as a joke, that I think I've started to look at myself as a bit of a joke, as well. Its not to the life or death point yet, as slovenly as I've let myself get, I'm not completly out of shape. I used to walk up to three miles a day to get to one of my old jobs. So I know I'm capable.
As much as I'd like to deny it, I guess I do have some daddy issues. My father always drilled into me that I come last, I have to take care of my mom, my brother, my grandma, those less fortunate, before I can think of myself. Anytime I talked about wanting something more than what I had for myself, I was told I was being selfish. And for someone who doesn't really want kids, I have a pretty strong "maternal" instinct. I want to take care of and be there for those I love. So I have to start making some changes in my life, or I might not be there to take care of folks. I've put myself last for so long, and I need to be selfish for a litte bit.
Not that I believe for a second that he actually feels this way, but on the shallow side, I'd like to be someone my boyfriend is proud to have walking beside him. I want my "in-laws" to be proud to have me in their life. I want my parents to be proud of me. Most of all, I want me to be proud of me. I don't want to be that sad fat girl that everyone sniggers at walking down the street anymore. I know that losing weight will not solve all of my problems, but I feel like if I can finally make an honest commitment to myself and stick with it, it will show me that I am more capable than I give myself credit for. I have short-sold myself for far too long, and its time to stop underestimating myself and prove to myself just how much I have to offer.
My second goal is to get my book edited, finalized, and out there for people to potentially buy. I don't need to be the next J.K. Rowlings, but one of my biggest dreams for a long time is to be a successful, published author. I started- and completed!- the first step by resolving to participate and win this year's NaNoWriMo contest. The deal is, starting November 1 you start writing a new, original novel. You can have an outline, storyline, brainstorming, characterizations, etc. drawn up before then, but you can't actually start writing until the first. The goal is to write 50,000 words by midnight on the 30th. You don't have to finish the novel, but to win you have to hit that mark. Well, I won. I finished my novel at something like quarter to five in the morning of the 29th. I was seriously behind for a while because I didn't actually start writing until the ninth. I not only hit my word count, but finished the first draft of the novel. I finished the challenge with a total of 52 thousand and some change words. And for finishing I got the best prize I think they could have bestowed to any of us. A free proof copy of the novel from Amazon and CreateSpace. You have until June or July to make use of the offer, which gives you a chance to clean it up and have it finalized before you redeem it. They'll send you a proof copy of your book in paperback form. Through CreateSpace you also have to opportunity to allow Amazon to sell your book. They'll put it out there so when someone searches for books in that genere or topic, yours will show up. Not a bad start to a get a writing career kicked off. So now I have to commit to myself to edit the book and get it ready to be published. Finishing my novel was the proudest day of my life. Even more so than graduating college. I graduated college for my family. I was the first one to either go or graduate, so I felt I had to finish for them. This is for me. This is my dream, and even if it never sells any more copies than the ones I'm going to buy for my parents, I don't care. Its my book, and knowing that I have actually written more opens the door for me to write another one. And you only get better with practice.
My last goal is a much more boring and serious one. And that is to get my credit cleaned up. I bruised it up pretty bad in college, so as soon as I have some gainful employment, I will be setting aside as much of every paycheck as I can, and when I've accumulated enough to pay something completely off, it will be done. I think about going shopping, updating my wardrobe (which really is pretty shabby at this point), catching up on book series I'm behind, getting a massage (I've never had one, and with all the stress of the past year, I could use one!), or the myriad other things I'd LIKE to do with my money, I NEED to get myself financially solid again. Grady and I want to buy a house. We want to go on vacation. His car is ten years old, at some point he's going to need a new one. So I am promising to myself, one bad debt at a time, to get myself back on the right track. It will suck not having new toys or clothes for a while, but the stress of that burden, and how it will feel to have it lifted, that will make it worth it.
I have three, what feel like lofty, goals to accomplish. They won't happen in the next year, well, the book will, but the other two are going to take dedication, work and perserverance, and I think by going through this process I will find myself, and my self worth again. There is nothing wrong in my life that I can't fix. Except for the job, I can't force someone to hire me, but I trust one will come. I have the power and the right to make my own little world a better place for me to be, and in return, it will allow me to take care of everyone else better. So here's to new life resolutions, and taking back the power to make them happen. Cheers!
Its poetry time, boys and girls!
So, this is my favorite poem that I have ever written. It was for one of my senior poetry classes in college. I honestly don't think I've actually written anything since then, poetry wise, at least. I should really get back in the swing of it, I wasn't a bad poet.
Stand-up
Curling, blue-gray feathers twist upward
From the burning cigarette in my fingers.
People in the nearby line, dressed in the
Sparkling blues, purples and silvers of exotic birds,
Stare with a predator's glare while I stand alone,
Mauled by their eyes.
I flick my spend butt with fake bravado,
Trying to shake off being on display.
Another five minutes snake by,
Until I stop denying that "maybe he's just stuck in traffic."
I slink to the end of the row of hungry faces.
Walking into the crowded, cavernous club,
Searching through the boiling mass of dancers with painted faces
For my friends who journeyed ahead.
My tribe offers me a potion,
We wander into the dance floor
To pulsing rhythms and nameless companions.
~Spring '02, Radford, VA
Stand-up
Curling, blue-gray feathers twist upward
From the burning cigarette in my fingers.
People in the nearby line, dressed in the
Sparkling blues, purples and silvers of exotic birds,
Stare with a predator's glare while I stand alone,
Mauled by their eyes.
I flick my spend butt with fake bravado,
Trying to shake off being on display.
Another five minutes snake by,
Until I stop denying that "maybe he's just stuck in traffic."
I slink to the end of the row of hungry faces.
Walking into the crowded, cavernous club,
Searching through the boiling mass of dancers with painted faces
For my friends who journeyed ahead.
My tribe offers me a potion,
We wander into the dance floor
To pulsing rhythms and nameless companions.
~Spring '02, Radford, VA
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
On Two Years
My boyfriend and I are celebrating the two year mark today. Its a milestone for me in a lot of ways. For starters, its a first for me. I've never had someone who was willing to put up with me and all my crap for this long on an almost daily basis (especially now that we live together). Nor have I found someone that is worth investing this much time and energy on. I'm 29, and while I didn't play the field as hard as others my age, I have my share of baggage from bad relationships, and while I have never rehashed them in all their terrible glory for him, sometimes those insecurities or lingering nervousnesses come out. And I have always explained to him why I might ask a question that I do, and not to take it personally. For instance, the guy I dated a couple years before him was a raging alocoholic. We were only together five months, but it was five months too long. By proxy, his problem caused me to temporarily lose friendships and myself. So sometimes when it seems like he's cracking a beer or two more than usual it sets my defenses up a bit. So I'll ask him if he's ok, and he is, and he knows why I ask.
And let me tell you something crazy: in two years, we've never had a fight. We get on each other's nerves sometimes, but we've never taken to screaming or throwing things, etc. I think our secret is neither one of us are much for drama. The gods know I've had my share of drama queen friends, and through watching them tear apart relationships, both romantic and plutonic ones, I just have no interest. It doesn't hurt anything that I'm massivly non-confrontational. I've been around long enough at this point to not let people walk over me anymore, but I still pick my battles. We can get very animated with each other, happy, mad, sad... but we haven't fought. And I'm glad for that. I know some might say that its boring, or we're not communicating or we don't really care, or whatever the thousands of reasons might be given, but its working for us, so I'll take it.
We try to be partners with everything. With me being out of work right now we've kind of fallen back into traditional roles, he's works, I take care of the house. I couldn't be more thankful for his support, because I left my last job. I didn't think it would take the temp ageny two and a half months to find me something. I would say I would have never left otherwise, but the assignment wasn't a very good match for me, so they probably would have fired me about two weeks later anyhow. I feel guilty that its been so long since I've been able to pitch in on the finances. Especially since we want to start looking into buying a house. What I'm even more grateful for is that his parents don't make me feel like a complete bum trying to mooch off of their son.
I've never been happier in my life. Of course I still have bad days, and I get sad, but there's a sense of underlying peace because I know I have someone who takes care of me, not just physically or financially, but emotionally, as well. He is about the farthest thing from romantic that can be, for example, once it got past midnight last night, I told him happy anniversary, and he apologized for not having anything planned. Let me just say that I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for a ring, (its getting to that point for me) so I was a little disappointed about that. But I don't plan on going anywhere, and I don't think he is either, so we've got plenty of time. Anyway, he may not be romantic, but he cares, and he's faithful, and he's honest, and he's basically anything I ever wanted. I went through a lot of shit to get here, so while I would never brag about what I've got, I am so grateful I have it.
There's a hundred other things I could say, but for the sake of not turning into some kind of sappy romance novel, I'll stop here. In so many ways the past two years have flown by, and in others I can't believe its only been two years. I feel like we should have known each other for a lot longer by now. I feel bad about not being able to do anything nice for him today, but I have a good dinner waiting on him to get home. At the same time, the prints I bought, then matted and framed are still sitting on the floor against the wall in more or less the same spots as when I gave them to him, so you know, in some teeny tiny way I don't feel bad. (The main reasons they're still on the floor is because he doesn't want to put too many holes in the walls here, he can't decide where to put them, and cause he's a little lazy once he gets home!) Its going to be a quiet, normal night for us here, but rest assured that in my heart and mind I am throwing the biggest party ever for our anniversary, at least until next year.
And let me tell you something crazy: in two years, we've never had a fight. We get on each other's nerves sometimes, but we've never taken to screaming or throwing things, etc. I think our secret is neither one of us are much for drama. The gods know I've had my share of drama queen friends, and through watching them tear apart relationships, both romantic and plutonic ones, I just have no interest. It doesn't hurt anything that I'm massivly non-confrontational. I've been around long enough at this point to not let people walk over me anymore, but I still pick my battles. We can get very animated with each other, happy, mad, sad... but we haven't fought. And I'm glad for that. I know some might say that its boring, or we're not communicating or we don't really care, or whatever the thousands of reasons might be given, but its working for us, so I'll take it.
We try to be partners with everything. With me being out of work right now we've kind of fallen back into traditional roles, he's works, I take care of the house. I couldn't be more thankful for his support, because I left my last job. I didn't think it would take the temp ageny two and a half months to find me something. I would say I would have never left otherwise, but the assignment wasn't a very good match for me, so they probably would have fired me about two weeks later anyhow. I feel guilty that its been so long since I've been able to pitch in on the finances. Especially since we want to start looking into buying a house. What I'm even more grateful for is that his parents don't make me feel like a complete bum trying to mooch off of their son.
I've never been happier in my life. Of course I still have bad days, and I get sad, but there's a sense of underlying peace because I know I have someone who takes care of me, not just physically or financially, but emotionally, as well. He is about the farthest thing from romantic that can be, for example, once it got past midnight last night, I told him happy anniversary, and he apologized for not having anything planned. Let me just say that I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for a ring, (its getting to that point for me) so I was a little disappointed about that. But I don't plan on going anywhere, and I don't think he is either, so we've got plenty of time. Anyway, he may not be romantic, but he cares, and he's faithful, and he's honest, and he's basically anything I ever wanted. I went through a lot of shit to get here, so while I would never brag about what I've got, I am so grateful I have it.
There's a hundred other things I could say, but for the sake of not turning into some kind of sappy romance novel, I'll stop here. In so many ways the past two years have flown by, and in others I can't believe its only been two years. I feel like we should have known each other for a lot longer by now. I feel bad about not being able to do anything nice for him today, but I have a good dinner waiting on him to get home. At the same time, the prints I bought, then matted and framed are still sitting on the floor against the wall in more or less the same spots as when I gave them to him, so you know, in some teeny tiny way I don't feel bad. (The main reasons they're still on the floor is because he doesn't want to put too many holes in the walls here, he can't decide where to put them, and cause he's a little lazy once he gets home!) Its going to be a quiet, normal night for us here, but rest assured that in my heart and mind I am throwing the biggest party ever for our anniversary, at least until next year.
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