Hope

So its basically been a month since I started on two sepatate ventures in my life. I signed up with a new temp agency, and I started changing my eating habits. I'd like to say there's been progress on both, but so far the best I can report is a little with one, and a possible maybe with the other.

First of all, the temp agency. This is the possible maybe. I talked to my rep today, there's been a big holdup with the background checking people, but she did report there were a couple of assignments that she'd like to try and get me on that start next week. Let's hope that appeases boyfriend tonight. We had a little bit of a blowout Saturday night about my lack of employment. He's right in some things, he really doesn't care what I'm doing, to him its a forgien concept to not have some source of income. So he's just pushing me to find something, anything. And I appreciate that money's getting tight. I'm not just sitting here thinking everything's roses and like I'm getting away with not having a job. Quite the contrary, I'm so stressed out its affecting everything, my sleep, certain schedules in my body, my level of bitchiness, my self esteem. Everything. What I can't make him understand is just how desperately I do not want to go back to retail. I don't look down on the profession, I'm not someone who thinks that if you're jockeying a cash register as an adult you're not trying hard enough. Its just not for me. I hate the hours, not having weekends, and in some cases holidays. The pay is shitty, the majority of customers even shittier. And my body simply can't handle it like it used to. It aggrevates my mystery ailment to the point where even after I get off my feet I'm still in agony. So I'm trying to avoid it like the plague itself. I have to call my rep first thing tomorrow and see what she's got for me. So that's my first hope, that she has some good news for me. If not, I guess here I come worst nightmare. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm getting ready to go to jail when I think about that possibility looming over my head. I'm just trying to stay positive and believe its all going to work out tomorrow. We're going to hope that if I believe hard enough all those positive vibes will affect the situation. My string of bad karma's got to end at some point, right?

My "diet" is the small changes part. I don't have my updated numbers, since tomorrow is measurement day. I don't really own a working scale, so I don't know how much weight I've lost. Last time I checked at a friend's house, it was about five pounds. So I measure myself every Tuesday, and I have the numerical evidence that I am losing some weight, even if the changes aren't obvious yet. I fill my tummy with lots of fresh fruits and veggies every day, and I'm trying to get better about exercise. My exercise today is running up and down three flights of stairs doing laundry! But I've seen anywhere from half an inch to and inch and a half come off of various parts of my body. With not double checking behind myself, I think the total to date is six or six and half inches. The hardest part is weekends, when we have no schedule, and the second is dinner. I try to make dinner as healthy as possible while still making something my very skinny boyfriend will enjoy. Most of the time that entails portion control on my part, adding veggies for myself separately that he won't eat and making him butter his veggies while I leave my plain. My two biggest guiding principles right now are calorie restriction and eating nutritionally balanced every day. I have found that I am quite capable of getting almost everything I need on a daily basis from my foods alone. And I'm excited to start working again so we can go to nicer grocery stores with have a much better selection of organic things.

I believe in making everything myself, and not relying on prepackaged diet foods. Sugar substitues are a thing of my past, and its not that whole "it causes cancer" crap that's been around for years now, its just learning what really does need sugar and what doesn't. The most valid thing I've read about sugar substitutes is that they can actually set you up for failure because they can potentially cause you to have a massive craving for the real thing, which leads to a binge. I have some concerns about diabetes, since it runs so rampantly, so I think I'll stick with the natural, complex sugars in fruit and fulfill my sweet needs that way. I'm surprised at how much of a happy camper I really am with all this change, and ninety percent of the time I don't feel like I'm being deprived of anything. Its nice. That would make my second hope that I'm strong enough to continue along this path to being a healthier person.

I will admit that I do very often right now feel overwhelmed and kind of depressed right now, mainly attributed to my job situation, but I battle everyday to face my life with hope and positive attitudes. I'm not overly successful with that, but  I try, and to me its better than just flat out giving in. I'm going to be a fighter with both gaining employment and losing weight. I don't want to just have big pretty statements, I want to make those statements a reality. Between the desire to make my situation better, action, and positive thinking, I should be able to accomplish these things. Or at least in the case of a job, do everything in my power to accomplish it, unfortunately, I can't really completely control that situation. And oh yes, there will be updates, so stay tuned!