So, I haven't been a big fan of Christmas pretty much since I became an adult. If you know me, you already know that. I get so much pressure from parts of my family to make sure I take care of everyone and get "appropriate" gifts for them. In not so many words, basically what I've been told is if I don't get elaborate, expensive gifts for say, my mom, I'm not showing my gratitude and appreciation. My mom doesn't care. She knows that since college I haven't been able to land myself a decent salary that I just can't afford much. But I still feel the pressure.
I know Christmas isn't about the giving and receiving of things. Things aren't important. People are important. What is utmost about the season, and always, is making sure the people in your life, family and friends alike, know how much you appreciate them.
Now, I will admit that I have a bit of a tough, crunchy exterior, but I really am a deeply caring person. It really affects me when the people around me are so kind and I am unable to reciprocate it. I know they don't care, they tell me they don't care, but it makes me sad to not be able to participate in the festivities. Which, beyond Christmas, I think that's been the hardest part of not having an income: missing out on life in general because I'm too broke to do anything.
I've been oddly over-emotional for the past few months, I don't know if its stress, some kind of hormonal imbalance, or what, but it makes me a little frightened about Christmas. Something about Christmas brings out the girl in me. Last year, the local fire department came through the neighborhood I was living in with a little mini-parade, complete with Santa riding on top of one of the fire engines. And I cried. I don't know why, but I did. It makes me really nervous for this year. I hate crying, especially in front of people.
I did put up our tree and decorated with the little bit of stuff we have here. I need to get the rest of my Christmas stuff from my mom's so I can put a little bit more up. I'm hoping that if I put the effort in, and make my home cheerful and festive that it will help put me in less of a Bah Humbug mood. I really don't enjoy being a Scrooge, I don't do it on purpose, but I can't seem to put an end to the negative feelings. I know I'm not singular in this. So many people feel more sad than happy around these times. I can't speak for anyone but me, but I know mostly it comes from my feelings of inadequacy and frustration. I haven't had much of a chance to celebrate the holidays in my adult life, either. Most of the jobs I've held require me to work up to and sometimes even on holidays, leaving me without a chance to really slow down and be with people I care about.
I just feel so emotionally drained between the stress of not helping my partner with financial obligations, and knowing I can't do anything besides verbally express my appreciation and gratitude for him, and making sure I have yummy dinners for him! ;) If we didn't need the money I would totally just quit looking for work and focus on taking care of us and my writing. I try to do as much as I can for him and my friends by being there for them physically and emotionally and reassuring myself that is enough. I keep up a happy face for everyone most of the time, I don't like to worry folks unnecessarily.
For now, I'm just going to try and keep my hopes for this new temp agency finding me something, and perhaps I can salvage a little bit of my self esteem before Christmas and year's end. I want nothing more at this point in my life to have a nice quiet big girl job. And for my novel to sell a few copies.